


Our fall from paradise was meant to be

by thunderingskies



Series: You're my ace [11]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Drabble Collection, IwaOi Week 2017, M/M, Tags On Individual Chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-10-20 20:19:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10670061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderingskies/pseuds/thunderingskies
Summary: A collection of IwaOi drabbles.





	1. Everything hurts...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Everything hurts..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags: Injury, Blood, Car Accident

“ _Everything hurts, Iwa-chan.”_

Tooru closes his eyes; his entire body is shaking, goosebumps covering his skin as his mind races. He tries to figure out what’s happening, what’s happening, they were _just driving-_

“I’m here, Tooru, I’m here-” Hajime’s voice is the only thing he can hear, and he focuses on it, tries to tether himself down with it. “I’ve got you, baby. Just keep breathing, okay?”

Tooru wants to nod, but he can’t. Every breath that he takes shakes him down to his core. He can feel his blood rushing through his veins, pumping loud enough to hear it in his ears. 

“ _Hajime,”_ Tooru whimpers. There’s warmth building along his side, dripping down his thighs, splattering on the cement. He knows what it is, but he can’t believe it. His mind won’t let him. “ _Hajime_ , I can’t, I can’t-”

“Don’t move,” Hajime’s not touching him, really, but he can feel his warmth, as he closes their hands together. Tooru tries to focus on that and not the cold metal pressed up against both sides of his body. “You-you’re gonna be okay, alright? Help is coming, we called - just listen to the sound of my voice, okay?”

Tooru gasps for breath, keeping his eyes closed and gritting his teeth. 

“Tooru, please-”

“Okay,” he grits out, swallowing, “I-I-I- _Hajime_ -”

Hajime squeezes his fingers, and Tooru feels more warmth on his side. Everything’s… getting fuzzy. He draws in another sharp breath, desperate to hold on to Hajime, his voice, _everything_ -

“Good, good - that’s good,” Hajime says, and his voice is shaking. So is his hand. “I… I know that you really hate that sweater that your mom gave you this morning. You put up a good act in pretending that you like it, though.” Tooru lets out what should be a breathy laugh, but he hardly manages to breathe. “I… think it still looks cute on you. Like, well, everything does.”

Hajime squeezes Tooru’s hand, and he can feel the desperation bleeding from the action. “I love you so much, baby - you know that, right?” The pressure on his hand tightens, and it’s all Tooru can do to feel it. His limbs feel light, like they can’t support the weight of his body anymore, and it’d be so easy to just let go-

“Just - fuck, finally - hang on, okay? We’re gonna get you out of here.” Hajime’s voice cracks, and the last thing Tooru hears is the sound of footsteps before Hajime’s hand is forced away, and unfamiliar voices flood his senses.

It’s all too hard to focus on - but Hajime…. _Hajime…_  he still needs him.


	2. Don't give me that look.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't give me that look."

“Don’t give me that look.”

Hajime sighs, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples with a hand. He doesn’t _want_  to be leaving-

But he _has_  to.

“You know I wouldn’t be going if I didn’t have to.” Hajime drops his bag by the door of their one-bedroom apartment, stepping back into the familiar warmth of home. Of his and _Tooru’s_  home. They’ve lived here for the past three years, and been together for the past five. 

It’s only been the last six months that Hajime has had to travel for work, and every day feels harder than the last.

Tooru hates when he leaves; Hajime hates leaving.

But he doesn’t have a choice, at this point.

“Come on…” Hajime sighs again, crossing the hallway back to where Tooru is leaning on the kitchen door. He sticks out his bottom lip at Hajime, and his eyes are still red and puffy last night from all the crying he did last night when Hajime was called to inform him they needed him in the city again, when he was supposed to have the weekend at home.

Of the last eight weeks,they’ve barely spent one together

This new job was supposed to bring them good things. Peace. Comfort. Stability.

Instead, it’s tearing them apart.

“Tooru…” Hajime draws in a breath, hands reaching out for Tooru tentatively, as if afraid Tooru won’t be there to meet him.

What an idiot.

“Hajime…” Tooru sniffles, hands finding Hajime’s and pulling him in close. Tooru melts against him, fitting in like the spot belongs to him.

Which, well, it pretty much does.

“I”m sorry,” Hajime whispers, running a hand through Tooru’s hair. He kisses the top of his head, wrapping his free arm around Tooru, feeling his body shudder. “I don’t like this any more than you.”

A sniffle, and Tooru’s hugging him fiercely. “I know. I just… I hate being here alone. It’s… supposed to be our house. I’m-I’m supposed to love it, not… hate it. Everything reminds me of you… smells like you…” He inhales deeply, nose brushing against Hajime’s nape. “I miss you… And you haven’t even left yet…”

Hajime nods, squeezing him tighter. “It’s… not much longer, love. Okay? Just a few more months, and I’ll be able to set up permanently here.” He creates enough distance between them to tilt Tooru’s head back to see his face, leaning in to kiss his forehead, then each of his eyelids. “You’ll wait for me?”

Tooru lifts an arm to feebly wipe away a fresh wave of tears with the back of his hand. “Always.”


	3. Everything fell apart...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Everything fell apart and I can't pick up the pieces anymore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Notes: Angst

It’s a shout that wakes Tooru that night, right from a deep sleep.

His eyes shoot open and he jumps up, sitting up in bed straightaway. His vision is hazy, and he tries to make sense of what’s around him, blinking rapidly, hands moving to try and find him-

_Hajime._

“Hajime?” Tooru blinks as he feels him, his boyfriend, on the other side of the bed. He’s curled up on his side, in the smallest ball he possibly can - and he’s shaking, violently. Tooru’s heart stops. 

“Hajime,” he whispers again, leaning closer, smoothing a hand down his back. He’s not sure Hajime is awake, at first - but when he leans close, he can see his eyes shift open to look at him, streaks of fresh tears running down his face. 

“Tooru…” he gasps, but doesn’t move. _Can’t._ “Tooru… Everything fell apart… and I can’t pick up the pieces anymore.” 

Tooru inhales sharply, shaking his head and leaning close. He places one of his hands on top of Hajime’s, slowly pressing his fingers between each of his, coaxing his hand open. He presses a kiss to Hajime’s nape, pressing his body in close, finally breathing again when Hajime laces their fingers together, so slowly and gingerly.

“It’s gonna be okay…” Tooru whispers, feeling Hajime shiver in front of him, body slowly relaxing the longer Tooru holds him, warms him. “You’re not alone in this, you okay? I’ve got you. Let me help carry this… it won’t be quite so hard.”

Hajime nods slowly, drawing in a shaky breath. 

“I love you,” Tooru whispers, leaning up to kiss behind Hajime’s ear. “Can I tell you why, Hajime?”

He waits, patiently. Hajime doesn’t always want to listen on nights like these - sometimes he just wants to be held. But after a few beats, Hajime slowly nods his head, and snuggles Tooru’s hand close to his chest.

A small smile breaks across Tooru’s face and he kisses the back of Hajime’s neck. “Well, it all started back when we were only five. The first time we met, and you called me ugly? Well - you said ugly with your words, but your eyes told a different story. Your eyes… they’ve always been honest,” Tooru whispers, tightening his hold. “That’s the first thing about you that I fell in love with.”


	4. I'm not worth your time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm not worth your time."

“I’m not worth your time.” As soon as he says the words, Hajime feels his heart sink with regret, because he knows exactly the reaction they’re going to cause, but he can’t stop.

“But… Hajime?” Tooru’s voice is filled with concern, and he steps closer to reach out and touch Hajime. He gets as far as cupping his cheek, rubbing a thumb over his jaw, before Hajime shrugs off the touch.

“We shouldn’t be doing this anymore,” Hajime insists, turning his face so that he doesn’t have to look at Tooru’s expression fully. “You shouldn’t have to deal with this. I… I’m never going to be normal. I’m just _not._  But - you? You have potential. You could really be somebody.”

Tooru doesn’t respond, so Hajime keeps going. “You have your whole future ahead of you… you shouldn’t be chained down to your high school boyfriend who is so damn needy-”

“Is that really how you see yourself?” Tooru interrupts, voice rising. Hajime has to look over at him, and he has tears in his eyes, but he looks fierce. “My _high school boyfriend_? That’s it? That’s all this is to you? Some high school relationship that you’re gonna grow out of?” Tears pool at the corners of his eyes, but Tooru wipes them away with the back of his hand before they fall.

Hajime just stares at him. Is that all they are? A phase? Something they’ll outgrow? 

No… They’re not. He _loves_ Tooru. He loves him from the bottom of his heart. He has ever since he found those old poems stashed underneath Tooru’s bed. Ever since Tooru cried when he confronted him about them - ever since he whispered _I don’t just like boys, Iwa-chan. I like you -_  and Hajime realized that it was _okay._  That he was _allowed_  to love Tooru.

“Did you mean it, then? When you told me that you loved me-”

“Yes, of course I meant it!” Hajime shakes his head - no, this is wrong, _this is so wrong-_

 _“_ Then _why!”_ Tooru bites his lip hard enough to draw blood, and Hajime can’t look away - it pearls on his lower lip, before Tooru bites down on it again and the blood slides down.

“Because- _because I love you!”_ Hajime didn’t want to yell, he came in here wanting to be calm and rational but there’s something about Tooru that just makes him lose all sight of reason. “I feel like we’re making a mistake… holding on to each other too tightly… I- I don’t want you to pick me over your future.” 

At that, Tooru freezes. “This… it’s about the college, isn’t it?”

Finally, they look at each other. _Really_ look. Beyond the surface - digging deeper than they’d dared to in the last few weeks, seeing each other for what they really are, seeing _them_  for what their relationship really is.

Hajime nods slowly. “Yeah.” He lets out a sigh, looking down at his hands. “I think you should take it, To. I wanted to keep my opinion out of it - I wanted you to pick _on your own_ , but… you have to. You can’t stay here. You have to go, learn, meet new people, spread your wings - be _you.”_ He draws in a breath, “You can’t do any of that stuck here with me.”

Tears finally spill out the corner of Tooru’s eyes, despite his best efforts to keep them back. “Then… then _talk to me_ , baby…Don’t just… We can work through this… Even if I go… I want to come back to you.” He takes a step closer, tentatively, slowly - afraid.

Hajime meets him in the middle, and their hands find each other.

Safe. 

“Can we?” Hajime asks, his voice low and unsure. He knows that he would wait a thousand times over for Tooru - but he’s not so sure that Tooru won’t leave and finally find someone who is as amazing as he is.

Tooru nods, drawing him in closer. “We won’t know unless we try.” He swallows, and presses his forehead against Hajime’s. “What do you say, Hajime?”

_What do you say?_


	5. I just want to go home.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I just want to go home..."

It’s _fine._

Really, it is.

Hajime trusts Tooru. He trusts him with his life, in fact.

So-

Why is this bothering him so much?

He sighs, closing his eyes and forcing himself to look away from where Tooru is, talking to some guy who is definitely standing a little bit too close. Tooru’s had a few glasses of wine now, so he probably isn’t aware of how hard this guy is flirting with him. For as brilliant as he is, Tooru can sometimes be so _oblivious_.

Or maybe Hajime’s just annoyed, and reading too far into this. Whatever.

Is this guy fucking blind or something? Can he not see that Tooru is _his?_  They don’t have rings or anything, but still - they have spent the entire evening pressed together. Tooru was practically sitting in his lap during dinner, and he finished Hajime’s glass of wine for fuck’s sake-

Tooru laughs, and this guy takes a step closer, putting a hand on Tooru’s forearm. He’s quick to shake it off, mumbling _something_  to this guy, but it’s apparently not enough because they’re still talking.

Hajime’s just about done with this now.

“Uh, hello? Earth to Iwa?” Hajime blinks, and finally notices that Kuroo has just been staring at him while he was lost in thought. They were having a conversation, before, but, well.. “Everything alright?” Kuroo glances between Hajime and Tooru, an amused expression on his face.

What an asshole.

“Don’t act oblivious,” Hajime spits, shaking his head. “Oblivious doesn’t work for you. Not with that shit-eating grin.” He tips back the rest of his glass of wine, finishing it in one go. 

Kuroo hums, still smirking like he knows something Hajime doesn’t. If they weren’t such good of friends, Hajime would have punched him.

Or, maybe because they are, that’s why he does. 

Kuroo laughs into it, rubbing his shoulder. “Just go, before you hurt somebody with that glare.” 

Hajime drops his empty glass on a nearby table. “You guys gonna be okay to get home?” He looks past Kuroo to Bokuto, who is trying to play pool. _Trying_ , and failing, as he’s leaning halfway over the table and constantly jostling the pool balls before he hits. 

“Oh yeah, don’t worry, Kei’s coming in an hour. We’ll be fine until then.” Kuroo waves him off, taking a step back. “Now, go, seriously, before I go and do it for you.” Kuroo skulks away, and Hajime brings up a hand to rub at his temples.

He _knows_  it’s stupid, but looking over at Tooru brings up a fresh wave of unpleasant emotions again, and Hajime finds himself walking over. 

Tooru doesn’t see him, at first - he’s turned to his side, from where Hajime approaches - but Hajime clears his throat, and calls his name before he’s even close.

“Tooru!”

Hajime can’t help but smile at the immediate way that Tooru reacts, at how quickly he turns towards the sound of Hajime’s voice, and smiles. _Really_  smiles. The kind that’s only reserved for Hajime and Hajime alone.

As it should be.

Soon as Hajime’s close enough, Tooru is reaching out for him, lacing their fingers together. He lets out a soft, contented hum - Hajime wants to drag him in close, to hold that, and every part of Tooru, just for him. 

“Hajime?” Tooru whispers, looking confused as Hajime pulls him in close, nosing at his neck. “What’s up?”

Hajime inhales once, deeply. Tooru smells amazing - the cologne he wears is expensive, but Hajime would recognize the scent anywhere. It only reaffirms everything that Hajime is feeling.

“I just want to go home,” he says, lips pressed against Tooru’s neck, his jaw, and then the shell of his ear. He feels Tooru shiver beneath him, and the grip on his hands tightens.

“Okay,” Tooru says, nodding his head quickly. He leans in to press a kiss to the side of Hajime’s face, and then his lips, when Hajime turns to meet him. He tastes sweet. Like strawberries. “Then let’s go.”


	6. College

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iwaoi Week Day 1: College

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about making a separate post for my drabbles for Iwaoi week, but since I probably won't do all 7 days and there are only a handful of you who are reading the drabbles I put up here anyway, I figured I'd just toss them in here. Enjoy!

Oikawa pops his gum, flipping to the next page in his textbook. He’s transcended boredom, at this point. His part-time job at the campus IT center is dead at the best of times, but late at night on a Saturday? Forget it. Most of the college population is too drunk right now to work their cell phone, let alone a computer or a tablet, so he’s left to try and cram in the last bits of what might be on his computer science exam Tuesday and keep his feeble grip on his sanity.

His coffee’s draining too fast - walking back to the staff room to make another pot seems like far too much work - and the time is ticking away far too slowly. He taps his foot against the leg of his chair, humming impatiently.

He starts closing his eyes, head tipping towards his textbook, it’d be so easy to sleep right now -

He catches himself right before smashing his face into his desk, rubbing an eye with his hand.

Music? Music. That’ll keep him awake, he figures, rolling his chair over to his computer and navigating to YouTube. He doesn’t bother with headphones - it’s quiet enough that he doesn’t think he’ll need them. He picks one of his favourite songs, a hip hop track with a nice steady beat, and leans back to listen to it.

It’s melodic, hypnotizing. He finds himself almost drifting again, before a slammed door jerks him up and out of his haze.

Oikawa rolls back to the front desk, looking up to find a frantic-looking student staring back at him. He’d probably be cute, if his hair weren’t a mess, his shirt wrinkled and glasses askew on his face.

Alright, alright, he’s still cute. Whatever! Oikawa’s got a thing for glasses, sue him!

“Can I help you?” Oikawa asks, sitting up a little straighter. The student looking back at him looks confused, tilting his head to the side.

“Uh, I need IT,” he says, voice low and hoarse, sounding tired. He steps a little closer and Oikawa can see some sort of uniform peeking out from under his sweatshirt. Cute and an athlete. Check and check.

“That’s me,” Oikawa confirms, throwing him a smile. “Oikawa Tooru, student IT worker. And you are…?”

He gets a confused look in response, and a hesitant, “Uh, Iwaizumi Hajime…” He looks down to where Oikawa’s name tag should be, only now it’s tucked beneath his sweater that he put on when he started to get too cold. The heater’s still out, and it gets cold fast. Oikawa reaches a hand up his sweater to unclip his name tag from his shirt and securely fasten it to his sweater, now proudly proclaiming, Student IT Worker: Oikawa Tooru with a hand-drawn peace sign next to it.

“Right, well, Iwaizumi. What might be the problem?” Oikawa asks, standing up so that he can get a better look at whatever Iwaizumi’s brought him.

Iwaizumi seems to remember why he’s here, grimacing and looking down at the bag slung over his shoulder. “It’s my laptop… I can’t seem to get it to work.” He reaches into his bag and pulls it out, placing it down on the desk in front of Oikawa. “It was working fine, and I was working on my paper but then it just cut out and totally froze up.” He looks annoyed, and understandably so - looks like he shelled out way more than he should have for a fancy laptop that he only needs for a word processor. Typical.

Oikawa smirks, the corners of his lips tugging up into a smile. He can’t help himself. “Have you tried turning it off and then back on again?”

Iwaizumi looks up at him, expression morphing quickly from surprise to frustration, looking a lot like he’s about to explode. “Are you fucking kidding me-”

Oikawa laughs and opens the laptop, “Yes, yes, Iwa-chan! Don’t worry, I’ll see what I can do.”

His fingers move across the keyboard elegantly, and Iwaizumi can do nothing but lean on the counter and watch as Oikawa works. He checks all the cords, plugging it in. Iwaizumi peeks around the desk, but Oikawa’s working on some black screen with numbers and symbols flashing across it that looks suspiciously like a scene from The Matrix, so he doesn’t look again.

Iwaizumi taps his fingers on his desk, closing his eyes and listening to the music that Oikawa hasn’t bothered to stop. “This is a good song,” he says, not looking, fingers tapping the beat out against the counter.

“Hm?” Oikawa looks up, and then over at his computer. “Oh, yeah. I love pretty much everything they put out. I saw them live last fall.”

Iwaizumi drops his hands down on the desk. “Are you serious?! I tried so hard to get some tickets but they were sold out in under an hour!”

Oikawa chuckles, looking up and grinning. “Yeah, a friend of mine worked at the venue. He snuck me in last minute.”

“You’re damn lucky,” Iwaizumi tuts, shaking his head. He lets Oikawa return to working, choosing to hum softly to the music playing.

Oikawa feels no need to hurry.

Twenty minutes pass before Iwaizumi lets out a loud sigh. “It’s dead, isn’t it? I’m going to have to restart that fifteen-page paper?”

Oikawa hums, and Iwaizumi feels the existential dread building. The paper is due Monday. He is not going to finish it on time-

“I recovered your files, Iwa-chan. You should really back everything up online. You know the school e-mail signs you up for a Google Drive, right? Work there and you won’t have to worry about losing anything even if your computer dies.” Oikawa looks up to face Iwaizumi, who looks like the biggest weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

“Are you serious? Oikawa, you’re amazing, thank you-” He pauses then, processing. “Wait, what did you just call me?”

Oikawa smirks. “Iwa-chan,” he repeats, beckoning him closer. “I backed it up to this USB. Your laptop is working right now, but it looks like a hardware error, so it might act up again.” He pulls the USB from the laptop, dropping it in Iwaizumi’s outstretched hand.

Iwaizumi sighs in relief, apparently letting the nickname go. For now. “Thank you so, so much Oikawa. What do I owe you for this?”

“This?” Oikawa shakes his head, “It’s free, the only thing you pay for here are repairs.”

“No, seriously, you saved me here. At least let me take you out for coffee or something.” Iwaizumi smiles a little, looking over at Oikawa’s empty cup. “I wanna hear more about that concert anyway.”

Oikawa leans back in his chair, lifting up his wrist to check his watch. “I’m off in fifteen minutes.” 

Iwaizumi tucks the laptop back into his bag, fastening it closed. “I can wait.”


	7. Road Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iwaoi Week Day 4: Holiday (Road trip?) ish... I kinda went pretty far with this AU.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for implied abuse and some angst.

Hajime swallows, looking down at the text message from Tooru. His entire body freezes, chills running up his spine.

_ Received: 2:25 am. _

_ Come over, please. _

He needs to go. It’s pitch black, the middle of the night, but he  _ needs to go. _

He’s been planning on going anyways - a post-graduation trip, a vacation before university - his parents will understand if he leaves a little bit early. Tooru wasn’t supposed to come with him, his parents hadn’t allowed it, but, well - plans change. They’ll understand that too, probably. Tooru’s been his tag-along ever since they met fourteen years ago now, when Tooru’s family appeared next door, changing Hajime’s life forever. 

_ Sent: 2:32 am. _

_ I’m on my way. _

He’s had his bag packed for the last week. He’s nothing if not prepared. Enough spare clothes to last him a week, but he grabs a spare and starts throwing in more. Sweatpants, shirts, socks, a sweater. All ones that he knows will fit Tooru.

He doesn’t know what’s happened this time; all he knows is that it’s the last time he’s letting Tooru go back there.

He scribbles a note out for his parents, but he’ll call them when the sun comes up and they’ve got miles between them and home. They won’t be pleased, but he’ll explain. They’ll understand. They always do - they love him.

He wishes he could say the same for Tooru. 

The night air is brisk, when he finally steps out his back door, two bags in hand, red sneakers on his feet. It’s dark; the moon is the only light shining down on his backyard, illuminating his path with an eerie glow. He slips through the gap in the fence behind his house, kicking up dirt as he steps into Tooru’s backyard, the only place more familiar to him than his own home.

He squints, stepping closer, making out a figure sitting on the back steps. It has to be him - he looks up as Hajime approaches, fluffy hair shining under the moonlight.

“Iwa-chan?” Tooru’s voice is low, and quiet; he sniffles, rubbing at his eyes with the back of his hand. He’s huddled against himself on the steps of his back door, clutching his sweatshirt - no,  _ Hajime’s _ \- close to his frame.

It’s not fair, it’s not fair, this  _ isn’t fair- _

“Let’s go,” he says, holding a hand out to Tooru. 

Tooru hesitates, looking down at Hajime’s hand, afraid.

Don’t look back.

_ Can’t _ look back.

“You’re sure it’s okay?” He asks, reaching out, fingers touching Hajime’s, sending sparks of electricity up his arm. Hajime doesn’t let him second-guess it, lacing their fingers together and tugging on his arm, dragging him to his feet.

Tooru moves, but winces as he stands, weight leaning against Hajime. His hair is damp, and he smells of his favourite apple shampoo. 

“Of course it is. I need you with me,” Hajime responds, thumb rubbing circles on the back of Tooru’s hand. “Will you come?” He asks, voice shaking.

He has to come. Please, please,  _ please- _

“Yes,” Tooru answers, his grip tightening on Hajime’s hand. “I, I didn’t- I can’t go back in-”

“I packed a bag for you,” Hajime supplements, taking a step back and pulling him to his feet. “You don’t need to.”

_ Never again. _

Tooru nods, looking a little numb, but he follows. He stays close, pressed up against Hajime; his body is cold, and Hajime wonders how long he’s been sitting out here, by himself,  _ waiting. _

_ No longer. _

Hajime walks him back to his car, opening the passenger door for him. Tooru slides in; the lights illuminate him and he looks pale, and tired. His eyes are red from crying.

Hajime grips the handle of the door a little tighter, slamming it shut.

_ It’s okay. They’re getting out. _

He opens the driver’s side door, sliding into the car. Keys in the ignition spring the car to life, and Hajime flicks on his lights, letting the radio buzz to life.

“Where are we going?” Tooru asks, buckling up, curling up. 

Hajime reaches back into the back seat to pull up the blanket he keeps back there, passing it to Tooru, who lets it drape from his figure.

“Away,” he answers, putting the car into drive. Tooru’s shoulders sag, relief flooding his system. “Far away.”


	8. It's heavy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's funny, in a way, to feel like you're right where you need to be, yet also feeling so out of place. Feeling so important, and yet, like nothing.
> 
> Feeling like he could disappear, and nobody would really notice. And why would they, really?
> 
> Sometimes Hajime just… exists.

It's funny, in a way, to feel like you're right where you need to be, yet also feeling so out of place. Feeling so important, and yet, like nothing.

Feeling like he could disappear, and nobody would really notice. And why would they, really? 

Sometimes Hajime just… exists. 

Time stands still, sometimes, when he's alone.

His brain works too fast, stomach feels hot and weighted. Feels like there's bile in his throat, that he has to try to swallow down, shake away-

Forcing away the bad thoughts works...for a bit. 

But it never takes long for the ugly feelings to claw their way back up to the surface. 

God, why is it so  _ hard _ ?

Why does he feel like crying when he sees everyone acting so… normal? 

Why is it so hard to be like everyone else - to walk like them, talk like them,  _ feel _ like them? To talk even to his friends-

“I'm fine,” he says, a  _ lie _ -

“Don't worry,” he pleads, not knowing what else to say, how else to placate their fears-

He longs for a touch, for comfort, for something.  _ Anything,  _ but he can't ask, can never put words to his thoughts, can't say them out loud, won't dare breathe life into them and make them  _ real _ .

It's too hard.

He's too afraid.

To reach out and be met with… nothing.

It's easier to hide, to let his dark thoughts screech inside his head, to fake a smile and and laugh and  _ listen _ , never talk-

Nobody notices anyway.

His pain is invisible. 

Or…

Well.

Maybe that's not quite true.

Because when everything is dark and heavy - oh  _ God _ how heavy his chest feels, the weight of his heart too heavy a burden to bear - he's not alone. 

Tooru sits next to him, pulls him in close and helps him carry it.

There are no words, really, nothing that will help, but that's the thing. Words can't help.

Tooru can't fix this.

It's ugly, and Hajime hates it, but-

He can't keep running from it.

And with Tooru's arms around him, his scent filling his lungs, and his voice soft in his ear, warm and reassuring-

He'll make it through.

He  _ has _ to, for more than just himself.

One day it'll be easier. But until then, he just has to keep pressing on.

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on [tumblr](http://josai.tumblr.com/)! See these drabbles before they hit AO3, or send me some prompts!
> 
> I'd love to know your thoughts! Let me know in the comments (Comments are what make these come faster!) or come chat with me!


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